


mentally stable

by ElkWasHere



Series: laugh out loud [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Bad Parent Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Gender Dysphoria, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt/Comfort, ITS TECHNO, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Morally Ambiguous Character, Multi, Nonbinary Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Nonbinary Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Older Sibling Niki | Nihachu, Older Sibling Wilbur Soot, Please Send Help, Ranboo-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Toby Smith | Tubbo, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Texting, TommyInnit-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Trans Floris | Fundy, Trans Karl Jacobs, Trans Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Trans Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Transphobia, accidental misgendering, all hope is abandoned i will now be writing whatever comes to mind, all ships are mostly jokes, and homophobic, and ranboo is nonbinary, arson at some point, chatfic, chatting, dadschlatt???, expect i do but thats not the point, implied/referenced eating disorder, it sounds worst then it is, maybe a little more, no one is cishet expect for philza, oh god where is this going, ok au!phil is now a bit transphobic, perhaps i should plan out a plot, philza is slowly devolving into c!philza whoops, ranboo centric except i occasionally project on half the characters, ranboo goes a bit evil but we forgive them, sorry bout that lads, stay safe motherfuckers, this is turning tommy centric and i cant stop, this when angsty really fast, wilbur sells drugs, you came here for ranboo content except i said no and gave you wilbur and tommy angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:08:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 12,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29531034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElkWasHere/pseuds/ElkWasHere
Summary: green boy: welcome to mentally stableforget-me-not: god?god?: ??forget-me-not: why the hell do you text like thatdisgustingforget-me-not has left the chatgod?: What-gotta write at least on chatfic to be a fanfic writer
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Clay | Dream & Jschlatt & Ranboo & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Eret & Floris | Fundy, Jschlatt & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Niki | Nihachu & Ranboo, Ranboo & Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Tubbo & Tommyinnit, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, hinted kinda
Series: laugh out loud [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2169234
Comments: 362
Kudos: 736





	1. why the hell do you type like that

**Author's Note:**

> mango green tea peace tea is the best
> 
> inspired by the various chatfics on here
> 
> (not about the real people but if any of the CCs say they r uncomfy or smthn this will be taken down)

**BIG MAN:** EYYYYYYY

**Big T:** EYYYYYYYYYYY

**snappity mappity:**????

**BIG MAN:** NEW KID IN OUR CLASS

**theamericanway:** half and half?

nice kid

**god?:** Oh god, I already feel bad for him.

**mr.sandman is online**

  
  


**mr.sandman:** new customer?

**Big T:** he mines

**mr.sandman:** you say as if that would stop me

**green boy:** if you get arrested for selling minors drugs im not bailing you out again

**mr.sandman:** yeah sure

**green boy:** im serious

**mr.sandman:** okay 

**green body:** i hate you

**mr.sandman:** so you wanna cancel the pizza hut date?

**green boy:** no

**mr.sandman:** ;)

_sleeping beauty is online_

**sleeping beauty:** dms exist for a reason

**snappity mappity** : oooo is someone jealous? 

**sleepy beauty:** …

goodnight

_sleeping beauty is offline_

  
  


**green boy:** you scared him off

**snappity mappity:** eh he’ll be fine

**BIG MAN:** GUYS SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIVES   
THERE IS A NEW PERSON

**muffins:** his name is ranboo

**chicken wings:** how the hell do you know that

**sleep more like monster energy drinks:** its fucking bad what do you expect

he knows everything

**muffins:** LANGUAGE

and i dont know everything o_O

I met him in baking class with niki 

we were grouped together to make a cake

**BIG MAN:** CAN I ADD HIM

**Big T:** yedh leys add him!

**god?:** Maybe.

**BIG MAN:** PLEASE

**mr.sandman:** i think that may be the first time tommy has ever said please

i say we add them

**green boy:** im down

**snappity mappity:** ditto

karl and quackity agree as well

**mr.sandman:** ?

**snappity mappity:** we r in karls dorm rn

**mr.sandman:** oh

**sweet and scary:** i think we should add them!   
  


**mr.sandman:** niki!

**sweet and scary:** wilbur!

**BIG MAN:** …

ANYWAYS

BAD? SKEPPY? TECHNOBLADE?

**muffins:** me and skeppy say yes too!

**god?:** …

Fine. 

**BIG MAN:** YES

**_BIG MAN_ ** _added_ _forget-me-not_ _to Mentally Stable_

**BIG MAN:** RANBOO MY MAN

**Big T:** EYYYY RANBOOB

**god?:** Sorry kid. Tommy wanted you to join and I don’t think we could’ve stopped him.

**green boy:** welcome to mentally stable

**forget-me-not:** god?

**god?:**??

**forget-me-not:** why the hell do you text like that

disgusting

_forget-me-not has left the chat_

**god?:** What-

**the american way:** kids got balls ill give him that

**god?:** and a death wish


	2. custody battles and father-son bonding time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOOOOOOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly forgot about this 
> 
> wrote this while eating ricotta cheese with a spoon during a zoom meeting

**private chat between** **_god?_ ** **and** **_BIG MAN_ **

_11:48 AM_

**god?:** Where does Ranboo live?

**BIG MAN:** I AINT NO SNITCH 

MY MOUTH IS SEALED BITCH

hey that rhymed

**god?:** October 30 2009

**BIG MAN:** what

**god?:** I’ll tell the whole school what you did.

**BIG MAN:**....

TECHNO MY MAN

LETS NT GET AHAED OF OURSELFVES EYY??

**god?:** Tommy.

**BIG MAN:** fyck

i dont know where he lives

he just shows up

**god?** : …

**BIG MAN:** IM NOT LYING 

HE JUST APPEARS AND SHIT  
LIKE TELEPORTS

**god?:** Teleport?

**BIG MAN:** enderman hybrid?

**god?:** Hm.

That might be a valuable asset added to my side.

Fine, your secret is safe for now. 

**BIG MAN** : THANK YOU BIG T

**god?:** I’m telling them.

**BIG MAN:** NO WAIT IM SORRY  
TECHNOBLADE*

**god?:** Okay.

______________

  
  


**Mentally Stable**

_11:50 AM_

**god?:** Change of plans, I’m recruiting the menace. 

**green boy:** what

**mr.sandman:** what changed to make him capture your eye.

**god?:** One word:

Teleportation. 

**the american way:** kid can teleport?

**god?:** Apparently. To be fair I got this from Tommy so it might not be entirely factual.

**green boy:** hm

**god?:** What?

**green boy:** having someone who can teleport would be very beneficial

for me.

**the american way:** think twice blondy, im calling custody to the kid

**god?:** Pardon?

Ranboo will be joining my side and that is final

**mr.sandman:** lmao custody battle

**god?:** Shut up Wilbur.

**green boy:** shut up wilbur

**the american way:** shut up wilbur

  
  


_mr.sandman has gone offline._

  
  


**the american way:** wimp

  
  


_BIG MAN and Big T are online!_

**Big T:** TOMMY

**Big MAN:** TUBBO

**god?:** Wonderful, they’re here.

**Big T:** …

yuu smitcheded on Ranboo??

**BIG MAN:** tubbo my friend

the blade threatened me 

i couldnt do anything but snitch

**god?:** It took one threat and Tommy was spilling all his secrets.

**green boy:** lmao

**the american way:** all brits are pussys

**BIG MAN:** I AM NOT A PUSS Y YOU BITCH

**Big T:** ecen ne? :(

**the american way:** no tubbo your perfect

**Big T:** :D

**the american way:** yknow what

are you free today?

**Big T:** yeah?

**the american way:** come over

ill teach you how to shoot a CZ 75 SP-01 Tactical

**Big T:** pog!!

**green boy:** are we just gonna let this happen or?

**god?:** What’s the worst that can happen?

  
  


_______

**Mentally Stable**

_3:27 PM_

**the american way:** im so proud of my son

**Big T:** :D

**green boy:** HE FUFKCING SHOT ME?!!??!?

**the american way:** yeah?

**green boy:** LKJKLDJLWJ

**muffins:** language!

YOU GOT SHOT????

**green boy:** YES

BY A FUCKING 16 YEAR OLD

**muffins:** tubbo

**Big T:** yes bad? :)

**muffins:** i cant do it

i cant yell at him

  
  


_muffin has gone offline_

  
  


**Big T:** pussy

**green boy:** HKDHKEHFIUCHFD

okay but guys im actually bleeding out

**god?:** Where are you?

**green boy:** outside the abandoned 7/11

**god?:** On my way.

**Big T:** im sorry dream

it was an accident

**green boy:** dont worry Tubbo it doesnt even hurt

tbh i dont even feel any pain

**mr.sandman:** uh techno 

maybe hurry up a little

**green boy:** i think i just saw a baby zombie riding a chicken

wild.

_sleep more like monster energy drink, chicken wings, and arson are online_

**arson:** DREAM GOT SHOT?

BY TUBBO????

**chicken wings:** TURBO POPPING OFF

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** should we be concerned?

**chicken wings:** …

**arson:** …

nah

**god?:** The dumbass has been obtained, taking him to the hospital right now.

**mr.sandman:** whats the cover story?

**god?:** He was trying to show off gun tricks but forgot to turn on the safety lock.

He’s a Leo, it should be believable. 

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** true true

  
  


_BIG MAN is online._

**BIG MAN:** BAHDHSHDHS  
BIG D GOT SHOT  
WHAT A BITCH  
  


 **Big T:** tommy :( 

dont be mean

**BIG MAN:** sorry tubbo

**Big T:** hes not a bitch

i think motherfucker is a better word to describe him

_muffins is online._

**muffins:** language 

_muffins is offline_

**BIG MAN:** tubbo i-

**the american way:** they grow up so fast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flashback to last night when i dyed my hair green and gave myself bangs at 3 in the morning to wake up and find out a accidentally fell alseep on the bathroom floor without washing the dye off. now my bathroom floor and sink are stained green 
> 
> live laugh love
> 
> also found out how to type so chapters might be getting longer


	3. sweet and scary (an emphasis on the scary)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> techno, dream, and schlatt get told off for making ranboo uncomfortable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should be writing an analysis of the myth of icarus but i dont want to
> 
> did someone say updating 2 days in a row?  
> i think that might be record for me

**If i could i would kill all of you**

_4:20 PM_

**half n’ half:** 420 blaze it

**birate:** ranboo istg

do you really have to do this every time? 

**half n’ half:** but funny number??!?!

**birate:** …

understandable

**gordon ramsay but female:** okay then

what does everyone want for lunch today?

**half n’ half:** im fine with anything

**birate:** ^^^^

**gordon ramsay but female:** spaghetti it is

**birate:** pog 

thanks niki

**gordon ramsay but female:** shut up

**birate:** okay screw you

**gordon ramsay:** eret so help me i will put mushrooms in the pasta 

**half n’ half:** isnt he???

allergic????

**gordon ramsay:** :)

**birate:** you terrify me

**half n’ half:** oh!

speaking of terrifying

**gordon ramsay but female:**??

**birate:**?

**half n’ half:** can someone pick me up from school tmmr?

**birate:** why dont you walk home like you usually do?

**half n’ half:** technoblade dream and schlatt have all been staring at me for over a week and its a bit worrying 

dream is a little less threatening when hes hobbling around on crutches though

**gordon ramsay but female:** gods

i told them to stop that

**half n’ half:**??? 

you know why??

**gordon ramsay but female:** they all want you on your side

its actually really funny 

**birate:** lmao poor ranboo

**half n’ half:** me?? what 

why

when did this happen

niki

**gordon ramsay but female:** tommy told them you could teleport

**birate:** LMAOOOO

**half n’ half:** i am going to kill tommy

**birate:** remember what we taught you

**half n’ half:** i may have bad memory but i know how to hide a body eret

but can someone still pick me up please?

**gordon ramsay but female:** eret can you pick them up i have baking club tmmr

**birate:** sure

**half n’ half:** thank you my dearest siblings

**birate:** no problem ranboo our beloved

**half n’ half:** it was one time eret

ONE TIME

**birate:** :)

  
  


**Mentally Stable:**

_4:32_

**sweetandscary:** @god? @green boy @the american way

What did we talk about last week?

**god?:** Uh

**green boy:** Math?

**the american way:** idk

to be fair i was drunk all last week so

**sweetandscary:** i told you guys to stop bugging Ranboo

and what did you do?

**god?:** Well

**sweetandscary:** Technoblade

**BIG MAN:** OIAHDLHSLA SHE FULL NAMED YOU TECHNO YOUR IN TROUBLE 

**sweetandscary:** youre next tommy

**BIG MAN:** fyuck

  
  


_BIG MAN has gone offline_

  
  


**sweetandscary:** Ranboo told me today that all three of you have been staring at them all last week

they asked us if we could pick them up cause they was nervous.

now i am a very reasonable person

but make sibling uncomfortable at school one more time and you will wish you were never born.

and also Ranboo goes by they/them 

now i have to get to baking class so goodbye

  
  


_sweetandscary has gone offline_

  
  


**green boy:** god dang

**god?:** Okay well now I feel bad.

**green boy:** the great technoblade? feeling guilty? the world is ending

**god?:** Shut up.

**the american way:** i think we may have to forgot our plans of recruiting Ranboo

**god?:** …

**green boy:** …

**the american way:** or not

**god?:** We just got to be

more stealthy

**green boy:** if niki finds out we are dead

**the american way:** wait

**green boy:**?

**the american way:** niki and ranboo are fucking siblings??

**god?:** It would appear so.

**green boy:** why the fuck have they not been at our school til now then

**god?:** That we will figure out

I’m deleting the messages so Niki doesn’t find out one moment.

_god? has deleted 18 messages_

  
  


**god?:** See you later Dream.

**the american way:** gay ^^


	4. local enderman has gained a new ability! revenge.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yo yo yo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you Idunnowhatimdoinghere3 for the idea and i hope i did it justice

Despite popular belief, Ranboo wasn’t a very good person. Yes, they did help others and enjoy it, but they also enjoyed getting revenge. And revenge they would be getting.

Unrelated fact of the day: endermen hybrids could sense eyes on them. Horrible if you have social anxiety, but it had its ups. One of those was being able to sense whether one of the Big Three were staring you down as you tried to get to class. Ranboo plans to abuse their power as much as they can.

The ends of Ranboos mouth curled upwards underneath their black and white mask when the bell rang. Gathering their books in their hands, plan already in their mind, they got up from their seat and followed the horde out of class and into the halls.

A sharp buzz on the back of their neck alerted them to Ranboo’s first v̶i̶c̶t̶i̶m̶ watcher. 

Pulling out a banana, Ranboo went outside to the outdoor lunch area. Leaning against one of the pillars, Ranboo pulled down their mask and ate the banana. The tingling on their nape had yet to stop so they assumed one of the Big Three had followed them outside. Ranboo quickly finished off the banana and stood upright again, but not before subtly leaving the banana peel on the floor. They went around the pillar, out of sight from the crowd outdoors, and focused on teleporting away. 

The familiar pressure grew in Ranboo’s chest before bursting in a small  _ vwooping  _ noise. Opening their eyes, Ranboo’s jump proved successful from the looks of it. Now hiding between a support beam on the other side of the seating, Ranboo watched in delight as a green figure crept over to his original place.  _ Dream. _

Ranboo snorted when a yelp came from Dream as he slipped on the peel. Everyone outdoors had stopped talking and turned to where the noise came. Soon laughter erupted from the crowd. The scene was something out of Loony Tunes and Ranboo felt a sort of pride for creating it. Turning away from the red faced Dream, they walked indoors humming a tune. 

“Hey Boo!” Niki called for them from across the cafeteria, waving in their direction, beckoning them over. 

“Hi Niki, hi Eret,” they greeted walking over to their sibling and taking a seat across from them, “Sorry i was late I forgot to hand a paper in,” the lie slipped off their tongue easily as they pulled out a turkey sandwich.

“Idiot,” Eret said, hand covering his mouth while he chewed. Niki smacked the back of his head before turning back to Ranboo, “No worries, we just arrived anyway.”

Ranboo happily ate their lunch as they spoke to their sibling. When a disheveled Dream stomped into the cafeteria toward his usual table, Ranboo couldn’t help the giggle that came from the sight. 

Niki and Eret followed their sight and spotted Dream coming in before letting out a laugh. 

“Wonder what happened to him,” 

“Maybe he just slipped or something,” Ranboo responded smiling from behind his sandwich. Niki and Eret exchanged glances before shrugging and finishing their lunches.

“Do you still need Eret to pick you up?” Niki grabbed her trash and stuffed it into a ziplock. 

Ranboo pretending to think before answering, “Nah, they haven't even looked my way all school day.”

Niki grinned, all teeth, “Perfect.”

Ranboo quickly finished their lunch and threw away their trash before saying bye to NIki and Eret. One down, two to go. 

_________________

  
  


**Mentally Stable**

_ 2:14 PM _

**mr.sandman:** dream that was embarrassing

**green boy:** shut up 

**god?:** Rivalship ended with dream, a banana peel is a more worthy opponent.

**BIG MAN:** AKJALJLFDJLKDSJF

**arson:** you are never living this down dream

**sleeping beauty:** i am so glad i didnt sleep in today

i would have missed seeing that in person

**green boy:** IT APPEARED OUT OF NO WHERE

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** just say you have no awareness of your surroundings and move on dream

**green boy:** karl i hate you

**god?:** Don't take him too seriously karl its just his damaged Leo pride talking.

**the american way:** no one is ever going to take you seriously after that dream

**green boy:** AHSLHFALHF

i hate you all

you all suck

fuck you all

  
  


_ green boy has gone offline. _

  
  


**chicken wing:** LMAAOOOO

  
  


**_green boy has created a chat with god?, the american way._ **

_ 2:20 _

  
  


**green boy:** it was Ranboo

**god?:** What?

**the american way:** you cant blame all your troubles on a kid dream 

have some class

**green boy:** no i-

they knew i was watching them and put it there 

**god?:** Are you that bad at being stealthy Dream?

**green boy:** Niki hasnt killed us yet so i thought i was doing okay

**the american way:** true

**god?:** Maybe it was just an accident?

Have you seen the way the kid acts? I doubt they could even hurt a fly.

**green boy:** fine if you dont believe me

your probably next on their list anyway

**the american way:** Ranboo trying to prank Technoblade? 

that i would like to see

**god?:** Technoblade never dies.

And he never gets pranked either.

**green boy:** please stop talking about yourself in third person

**god?:** No.

**the american way:** you tried

  
**green boy:** i hate it here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in a day? i know surprising
> 
> any ideas for ranboos spree? this is going to be going on for several chapters
> 
> edit: chapter 5 might take a while since its mostly irl rather then texting but it shouldnt take that long


	5. local enderman hybrid continues to terrorize big men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yo yo yo
> 
> chat fic with no chat
> 
> cant format anything to save my life sorry bout that lads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops sorry this was a bit rushed my teachers collectively decided to mash 3 weeks of homework together for the express reason of "learning time management"
> 
> also who the hell is proofreading and why does everyone hate her

Jonathan Maria Schlatt was having a wonderful week. Minx texted him she was sick, he had no tests the whole week (he wouldn't have taken them either way), and a debate was scheduled. Nothing could have ruined his mood. 

Except for a 6’7 enderman hybrid with a taste for vengeance. 

At first it was small, little rocks that appeared seemingly out of nowhere Schlatt would trip on, various pens and pencils that would go missing. That escalated quickly. Tuesday, he showed up to Math to find his whole desk had been moved. Schlatt asked around and even threatened a few people but no one did or saw anything. He later found it in the middle of the track forcing him to have to drag it across school. If that isn't embarrassing enough, his laptop was found in the cafeteria with its history pulled up. Needless to say, Schlatt’s week was turning out like shit.

One one cold Wednesday morning, Schlatt walked to school to find Ranboo sitting outside with a journal. Quickly hiding out of their line of view, he watched from afar as Ranboo checked off a mark. Squinting his eyes, Schlatt could make out his name and several lines scribbled underneath it. Dream and Technos names had similar structures.  _ What the fuck. _

Schlatt looked up at Ranboo to find the boy looking directly at him, monochrome eyes unblinking. His eyes widened as Ranboo gave a sharp grin and wink before getting up and walking away. 

_______

  
  


On the other side of campus, Techno was having similar problems. For starters every peice of furniture in the school seemed to have it out for him. A bruise was already starting to form on his hip from how many times Techno bumped into a desk or chair that seemingly moved directly into his way. But Techno was not one to be paranoid and brushed it off as simple coincidences. His resolve had started to falter when the lights turned off in the empty classroom he was reading in. A small vwoop echoed in the desolate room and the door snapped shut. Techno sprung up and sped to the door to find it jammed lock. He pushed against the door, putting all his weight and strength in it, but all his efforts proved futile. 

Techno paced across the room, oddly reminiscent of a caged animal. Voices drifting into the classroom alerted him of a window hidden. He rushed over to the window and was reminded of his second story position in the school. Glancing back to the door, Techno sighed before hoisting himself up and through the window.

________

After the last incident at school, Dream never wanted to show his face again. Sadly, that was not an option as he mother glared at him to get to school before he was late. Dream arrived at school to immediately be mocked by his teammates on the football team.

“Watch out for those pesky peels, we don't want to lose the next game.” The rest of them laughed at the half-assed joke and walked away to go fulfil their jock cliche reputations. He scoffed and feigned annoyance but his bright red ears told a different story.

Dream went on his way to East Building but paused when the shadows suddenly moved. Curious, Dream leaned sideways to find a familiar hybrid sitting in a dark corner. His eyes furrowed as Dream grew closer to the younger teen. Ranboo sat criss cross on the floor, journal in their hand. 

He couldn't help the small squawk that came out of him when the ender hybrid looked up. Their red and green eyes had turned purple and fangs protruded out of their mouth. A grin reminiscent of the Cheshire cat appeared on Ranboos mouth. 

“I-” Dream was fumbling for words but found none. He jumped back when the teen got up, particles swirling around him. Before teleporting away, Ranboo turned to Dream to meet him in the eyes. 

Primal fear sparked in Dream. Every part of his body told him to  _ move, run, get away,  _ but Dream found himself stuck in place.

_ ‘No one will believe you,’  _ Ranboo mouthed before teleporting away in a purple swirl. 

  
_ Oh god.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just made butter noodles
> 
> pog.
> 
> fun facts about me 
> 
> -i watched disney channel's descendants when i was a kid so many times i remember the whole script  
> -I have a wall just full of peace tea cans (113 atm)


	6. incorrect quotes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for some reason i cannot type today so enjoy some incorrect quotes while i get my life together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mad lads

**Tubbo:** Welcome to my very first vlog in which I will try different hair products!

*sprays the hairspray into their mouth*

**Tubbo:** Well, right off the bat I can tell you that this one is not very good

____

**Sapnap:** *kicks “G” off Graveyard sign*

**Sapnap:** Let’s get this party started

____

**Tubbo, to Tommy:** I dare you to—

**Philza:** Tommy isn’t allowed to accept dares.

**Tommy:** Apparently I have ”no regard for my personal safety”

____

**Tubbo:** I wasn’t hurt that bad

Niki said all the bleeding was internal

Which is where it’s supposed to be

**Philza:** No???

____

**Wilbur:** You're smiling, did something good happen?

**Techno:** I can't smile just because I feel like it?

**Tubbo:** Tommy tripped and fell in the parking lot.

____

**Dream:** Things have actually been going really well with George. Our friendship is in a really good place.

**Dream:** Last week I said, “Did you know the weiner dog is neither a weiner nor a dog?” Instead of saying, “Shut up, Dream,” they said, “Okay.”

____

**Philza:** I am at a loss for words!

**Tommy, telling Tubbo later:** Despite being lost for words, dadza yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.

____

**Sapnap:** *dials 911*

**Sapnap:** hey i hate to be “that guy” but i glued myself to the ceiling again

____

**Karl:** *signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen*

____

**Tommy:** Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.

**Techno:** Please never become a surgeon

____

**Tubbo:** I relate to Belle because she loves books and likes people for who they are!

**Wilbur:** I relate to Tinkerbell because she needs attention or she dies

____

**Schlatt:** *accidentally hits Tubbo in the face*

**Schlatt:** *trying to decide between saying “I’m fucking sorry” and “are you okay?”

**Schlatt:** ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!

**Tubbo crying:** YES?

____

**Dream:** time sensitive question how flirt boy

**Sapnap:** Throw rocks at him

**Karl:** Hot dog

**Techno:** Kill him

**Dream:** thanks guys

____

**Niki:** *sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk.

**Niki:** *cuts piece of cake*

**Dream:** …can I have some?

**Niki:** Cake is for talkers.

____

**Karl:** Did Sapnap just tell me they loved me for the first time?

**Quackity:** Yeah.

**Karl:** And did I do finger guns back?

**Quackity:** Yeah, you did.

____

**Quackity, dumping out a shopping bag full of Lunchables onto the table:** Tonight, we feast.

_____

**Dream:** You tricked me!

**Techno:** No, I merely deceived you. "Tricked" makes it sound like we have a playful relationship.

____

  
  


**Tubbo:** If you tear more holes in a net, it would end up having fewer.

**Tommy:** STOP

_____

**Dream:** Do you like my outfit?

**Techno:** Not as much as I like what's underneath it.

**Dream, blushing:** Techno I-

**Techno:** I need your chair. Get up.

_____

**Quackity:** Do you miss the imagination of childhood?

**Techno:** I never had one.

**Quackity:** An imagination or a childhood?

**Techno:** Both

____

**Tubbo:** Name one time I haven’t acted professional

**Tommy:** You’re holding a juice box right now

**Tubbo:** It’s to stop me from spilling my juice.

____

**Niki:** You will machete through this!

**Niki:** *make it

**Niki:** do not machete your way through this

**Eret:** too late

____

**Techno:** Rules were made to be broken!

**Wilbur:** Yeah, well, bodies weren't!

____

**Wilbur:** You read my diary?!

**Schlatt:** At first, I didn’t know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

____

**Dream:** Pardon the intrusion, but-

**George:** On this moment or just my life in general?

____

**Wilbur:** Look, let’s just agree to say “I’m sorry” on the count of three

One, two, three

**Wilbur:**

**Schlatt:**

**Wilbur:** See, now I’m just disappointed in both of us

_____

**Sapnap,** bad at flirting: I like your name

**Karl** , equally as bad: Thanks, I got it for my birthday

____

**Tommy:** Give me freedom or give me death.

**Dream:** *pulls out gun*

**Tommy:** NO!

**Dream:** I'll give you death, I'm cool with that.

____

**George:** I don't have enough energy for this.

**Sapnap:** For what?

**George:** *gestures vaguely*

____

**Ranboo:** *pours orange juice into their cereal*

**Eret:** Do you take constructive criticism?

**Ranboo:** Not without crying.

_____

**Philza:** What're you two fighting about?

**Techno:** They keep using phrases wrong!

**Wilbur:** Oh cry me a table!

_____

**Eret:** Dude, are you getting enough sleep?

**Ranboo:** Sometimes when I sneeze my eyes close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anytime i cant write im just gonna post 1 of the 20 pages of incorrect quotes i have saved up


	7. did someone say incorrect quotes pt 2? no? no one did? oh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more incorrect quotes because 
> 
> yeah!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh? did someone say 3 chapters in one day?

**Bad:** Words that end in "-ie" are so cute! Like "cutie," "sweetie," "cookie."

 **Techno:** "Die."

 **Bad:** No.

____

**Quackity:** I want someone to take me out.

 **Schlatt:** Like on a date or with a gun?

 **Quackity:** Surprise me.

____

**Schlatt:** Don't worry, you've got everything you need to defeat them.

 **Tubbo:** The power to believe in myself?

 **Schlatt:** No, a gun.

 **Schlatt:** Shoot them.

____

**George:** When I first met you, I did not like you.

 **Sapnap:** I'm aware of that.

 **George:** But then you and I spent some time together.

 **Sapnap:** And?

 **George:** It did not get better.

_____

**Eret:** I hope you have the day you deserve.

 **Ranboo:** Is that a compliment or a threat?

_____

**Tommy:** My head hurts.

 **Techno:** That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

_____

Special Mention:

**Slimesicle:** I'm terrified of the Backstreet Boys.

 **Wilbur:** Tell me why-

 **Slimesicle:** *screams*

_____

**Ranboo:** Hey... can you do me a favor?

 **Eret:** Yeah sure.

 **Ranboo:** When I die...

 **Eret:** Yeah?

 **Ranboo:** Can you update my Facebook status saying "Chillin' with Jesus"?

____

**Tubbo:** You know those moments when I tell you something isn't a good idea-

 **Tommy:** -And then I ignore you, yeah.

______

**Ranboo:** What happens when you press the brake and the accelerator at the same time?

 **Eret:** It takes a screenshot.

 **Niki:** Get out, both of you.

_____

**Wilbur:** Y-...You've killed me..

 **Techno:** Good.

 **Philza:** WHAT THE-

_____

**Schlatt:** Have you or a loved one ever been injured in an accident?

 **Schlatt:** Sucks to be you, I guess.

_____

**Tubbo:** If I cut off my leg and swing it at your head, am I hitting you or kicking you?

 **Ranboo:** You'll probably end up mentally scarring me more than anything.

____

**Dream:** *falls*

 **George:** Oh my gosh are you o-

 **Dream:** Better make a wish you just saw a falling star.

____

**Wilbur:** *sneezes*

**Schlatt:**

**Wilbur:** You're not even going to say "bless you"?

 **Schlatt:** I'm sitting here with you, you've clearly been blessed.

____

**Minecraft Family at Church**

**Philza:** In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost-

 **Techno:** Head, shoulders, knees, and toes-

 **Wilbur:** Turn up your nose and strike that pose-

 **Tommy:** HEEEEEEY MACARENA!!!

_____

**Ranboo:** Seriously, I have no idea what to do...

 **Ranboo:** Oh, wait, Yahoo! Answers.

**Eret & Niki:**

______

**George:** Would you like a drink?

 **Dream:** What are my options?

 **George:** Yes or no.

_____

Bonus Scene inspired by me and my sister

**Ranboo:** self care 

*slaps a bag of sliced roast beef on the counter*

 **Eret:** Ranboo thats just beef?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today i made a mushroom globe and my sister made fun of me so this is how our convo basically went 
> 
> M- this is why you have no friends  
> E- what do you mean? im a fungi  
> M- i hate you  
> M- where are you going to even put that your bookshelf is full  
> E- I dont know but it wont take up mush room  
> M- why are you like this  
> E- well now youre being downright shit talky  
> M- please shut up  
> E- theyll grow on you eventually
> 
> she hasnt spoken to me since but i count this as a win


	8. dysphoria i would like to punt you into lava uwu <333

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahaha sorry for kinda forgetting about this
> 
> a new groupchat you say??? oh my 
> 
> not much of it in this chapter but maybe ill try to incorporate it in next chapter  
> 
> 
> the elderly:  
> dream- homeless man  
> george- gogy  
> sapnap- pyromaniac  
> schlatt- USA but manlier  
> eret-heels make good weapons  
> niki- <3  
> fundy- furry  
> wilbur- jack skellington

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **********************************  
> TWS!  
> -dysphoria  
> -transphobia  
> -mild panic attack? not sure if thats the right term  
> -self hatred  
> -mentions of suicide/self harm (very brief)  
> -mentions of an eating disorder  
> 
> 
> tell me if i missed somethimg  
> **********************************
> 
> if i wrote something in the wrong way please tell me and i will gladly fix it

_private message between **heels make good weapons** and **furry**_

_10:23 PM_

**furry:** hi eret

**heels make good weapons:** hi fundy?

...

you okay?

**furry:** yeah

im fine

**heels make good weapons:** for some reason i find that hard to believe

is there something wrong?

anything i can do to help?

fundy you still there?

**furry:** yup

hey eret?

**heels make good weapons:** yes?

**furry:** am i faking being a boy?

**heels make good weapons:** of course not!

why would you think that?

**furry:** its not a big deal i just

but what if im faking it

im a girl im just pretending to me a boy

im being selfish

i fucking changed the one thing left of my mom

my name is flora not fucking fundy

men dont fucking have to bind their chests

**heels make good weapons:** fundy where are you

im coming over

**furry:** im at the park

**heels make good weapons:** its fucking freezing outside

do you have a jacket

**furry:** no i forgot

sorry

**heels make good weapons:** dont apologize

ill be there in a few okay?

promise me you wont do anything stupid?

**furry:** i promise

**heels make good weapons:** good

* * *

Eret was frankly sure she was breaking several traffic laws. However, the streets were deserted except for the occasional straggler passing by and his only thought was to get to Fundy as fast as humanly possible.

Dark thoughts of finding his friend dead, wrists slashed filled his mind. Eret pushed them away with the fact that Fundy promised he wouldnt do anything so Eret would have to trust him. In what his opinion took to long but was only a mere 3 minutes, Eret finally reached the park, the only lighting came from a nearby streetlamp. Immediately, they spotted a hunched over figure crouched underneath a slide, head between their knees. Relief filled them but was quickly washed away by the state of their friend.

Eret raced over to where Fundy sat hyperventilating. His hands ghosted over the boys shoulders hesitating, not sure how he would react to touch. 

"Fundy?" the younger gave no hint of hearing him other than the sobs getting louder, his small frame shaking harder at the mention of his name. "Is it alright if I touch you?" 

A small whine broke its way through the sounds of crying and eret spent no time gathering the boy in his arm. She ran her fingers through Fundy’s hair, twirling the ginger locks which had gotten on the longer side. _Maybe a haircut would make him feel better,_ Eret thought absentmindedly, concentrating on giving the boy some much needed comfort. 

Fundy was pulled halfway in Erets lap, tears soaking the front of the older teens hoodie. The wet fabric snapped Fundy out of his episode and he immediately pulled away.

“I’m sorry I’m overreacting and i ruined your t shirt and you are sitting in the cold and putting up with me and i-“ Fundy rambled before getting shushed by Eret.

“Fundy you are my best friend im not letting you feel bad and crying your fucking eyes out underneath a slide alone. i love you” (~platonically~) The words broke Fundy again as the boy dove back into his friends warm embrace.

Minutes passed by as the sky became darker. The chill had worsened considerably judging the way Fundy shivered in Erets arms and the puffs of air illuminated by the streetlamp.

“Funds?”

“Mhm?”

Eret allowed a small smile at the way the boys eyes drooped close and shot open again. “How about we head to my place? Does that sound good?”

Fundy rose up once again looking guilty, “you dont have to ill be fine.” 

“yknow what you dont get a choice in this.” Eret leveled Fundy with a stern look before picking up the boy in a bridal carry to the car.

“Eret I-“ Fundy yelped as he was picked up, struggling in the older teens grip. Eret paid no attention to this and neither did the wriggling teen deter his ability to carry him.

Fundy weighed surprisingly light for a teen. Eret frowned at this thought looking down at his red face friend, his frame was practically drowning in a hoodie. 

The first thing she was going to do was make Fundy eat as much as he could. Noticing the way Fundy winced when Eret jostled him, he quickly changed the first priority to getting the boy out of his binder. Over binding was dangerous and by the looks of it, something Fundy was doing. 

Opening the car door with one hand, Eret set Fundy down in the passengers seat before shutting the door and going around the car. 

Eret turned on the heat before reaching underneath his chair and pulling out a blanket which he gave to Fundy. The boy looked grateful and murmured a small thanks before staring blankly out the window.

The ride home was quiet, neither had the energy to make small talk. Before Eret had arrived home, she texted Niki to let her know Fundy was coming over. The girl had been worried for her friend but trusted Eret to take care of him.

Eret guided Fundy indoors and into his bedroom. The boy sat criss crossed on the bed playing with his fingers.

“I’m going to go get some food okay?” Fundy looked momentarily displeased st the prospect of food before schooling his expression into one of disinterest and nodding. Eret noticed his reluctance, further fueling his fears but pushed down his emotions for the sake of his friend. “Please take off your binder. There are big hoodies i stole from dream in the drawers if you want.” Fundy nodded and so Eret left to give him some privacy.

In the kitchen stood Niki holding a plate of mini sandwiches. Eret had never felt so grateful for his sister in his life before, hugging her before heading back to Fundy, plates in his hand.   
  


Eret knocked on the door, not wanting to intrude if the teen was still changing. 

“You can come in.” 

Eret pushed open to find Fundy sitting knees to his chest, wearing a oversized green hoodie. She gave him a small smile before setting the plate down.

Fundy couldnt help the way he nose wrinkled as his stomach churned at the prospect of eating. Eret sat next to him, bed sinking from the weight. 

“You dont have to eat a lot, just a little okay?” Eret reassured him, nudging the plate closer. 

Fundy relaxed his shoulders and grabbed one of the mini sandwiches. It took all his will power not to spit it out immediately. The sandwich itself tasted fine, wonderful actually. The fact that Eret was wasting food on him made his stomach fill with shame.   
  


Eret, ever the mind reader, put a hand on Fundy’s shoulder, waiting for a nod of confirmation if he could go further. With approval from Fundy, Eret pulled Fundy into his arms, head resting on the younger boys head. 

“You are worth everything okay? You deserve every good thing life has to offer.” Eret whispered into his ear, tightening his grip on the younger teen. 

The two broke apart and with the help of Eret, Fundy finished 2 mini sandwiches before shaking his head. Eret set the plate on his desk, before shutting the lights off. 

She went under the covers next to Fundy, the two friends basking in each others warmth. The moonshine slithered its way through the curtain cracks, illuminating the lone tear falling down Fundy’s face. Eret pulled the boy closer to him.   
  


God dammit if anything was going to stop him from helping his friend out of the dark place his mind locked itself in. 

A single buzz came from her phone which sat on the desk, but the two were long asleep by then.

* * *

**the elderly**

_4:20 AM_

**pyromaniac:** 420 blaze it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops if this sounded a bit incoherent j havent slept in 26+ hours  
> 
> 
> drink some water you valid little fucks


	9. awkward moment when you havent eaten anything in 28 hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of not eating/forgetting to  
> general bad relationship with food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayo its your person? pal? enby? i have no idea but im back! whoops for last chapter i did not mean to go that angsty. 
> 
> sorry for the short chapter school has been dragging me through hell and back by the rainbow converse
> 
> at least i wont project in this chapter haaha...

**if i could i would kill all of you**

_ 3:29 PM _

**half n’ half:** awkward moment when you havent eaten anything in 28 hours hahaha

**birate:** ranboo what

**half n’ half:** food go brrr

**birate:** thats not?

healthy??

**half n’ half:** uwu

**gordon ramsey but female:** please go eat something

**half n’ half:** thats a no from me :-)

**birate:** ranboo you cant just not eat?

you’ll pass out

**gordon ramsey but female:** eret is right 

its dangerous to go without food that long ranboo

**half n’ half:** pshh yolo

it’ll be fine

* * *

It would not in fact be fine. 

Ranboo shut their phone, ignoring the income of messages from their concerned siblings. So what if they forgot to eat and the mere mention of food made their stomach churn with anxiety. That was normal, everyone felt that way occasionally, right? Ranboo's nose scrunched up at the prospect of going downstairs and making something to eat. Besides their checkerboard blanket was so soft and warm and did they really want to lose that feeling? Sighing, their head fell back into the pillow. Their breaths slowed down as sleep crept up on them. Unfortunately, their stomach had other ideas as a loud rumble surprised Ranboo awake. The emptiness in their stomach make itself known, even as Ranboo curled up under the covers, the pain did not go away. 

A whine tore its way out of their throat. They were suddenly was hit by nausea. Shortly came a headache that had them burying their head into the pillow. Maybe food was needed, they though taking deep breaths. Ranboo braced themselves to get out of bed, pulling back the covers and sitting up. Nothing got better in the new position but it did get any worst either. Taking this as an okay to move, they swung their legs off the bed and stood up.

The world suddenly tilted as Ranboo got up from bed. Black started creeping around their vision and something caught its throat. The last thing they remembered before the world went black was the single thought floating through their mushed up brain,

_ oh shit. _

  
  


* * *

**Mentally Stable:**

_ 3:45 PM _

**theamericanway:** and that is why i think we should enhance horses to become ground fighting war assets.

**mr.sandman:** what the hell

**green boy:** why am i somewhat convinced?

**god?:** It doesn’t sound that bad of an idea.

**theamericanway:** exactly!

god i am a genius

**sweetandscary:** of course you are! :)

that 20 minute long lecture proved that!

**arson:** getting some weird vibes from that

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** kind of unsettling ngl

**sweetandscary:** …

**arson:** nvm

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** i actually feel no emotions rn haha

**chicken wings:** every time niki speaks i get more and more scared of her

**mr.sandman:** as you should

**sweetandscary:** :)

jesus christ

**mr.sandman:** ???

**sweetandscary:** something just fell upstairs

sounded heavy

**green boy:** any of your siblings home?

**sweetandscary:** only one of them

shit

that little fucker

_ sweetandscary has gone offline _

**chicken wings:** can we get an F in the chat for whoever is going to have to deal with nikis wrath

**mr.sandman:** F

**theamericanway:** F

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** F

**sleeping beauty:** F

**god?:** F.

**green boy:** F

**arson:** F

**skippy:** F

**muffins:** F

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ill try to finish this fast and then back to our regularly scheduled program of ranboo pranking the big three
> 
> and then after that ill probably speedrun techno and ranboo bonding then we are taking a sharp right turn into a cold lake of mostly ranboo angst and a sprinkle of fundy, tommy, tubbo, wilbur, techno, sapnap, dream, george, techno again, eret, niki, and if im feeling it schlatt
> 
> go me!
> 
> ending this off with a: go drink water and eat something you valid motherfuckers <3


	10. oh me oh my another short chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ayo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my new favorite word is motherfucker because it sounds funny
> 
> my humor is non existent so maybe a chat fic wasnt my best bet but its alright
> 
> also i may be making this into a philza kinda being douchey to wilbur and tommy but maybe not

**Mentally Stable**

_ 2:58 AM _

**BIG MAN:** HEY GUYYSSS

**mr.sandman:** what tommy

**BIG MAN:** GUESS WHAT TOMMOROW IS

**mr.sandman:** uh

april 9?

**BIG MAN:** WHICH IS??

**mr.sandman:** …

**green boy:** happy early birthday tommy

**BIG MAN:** THANK YOU GREEN MAN   
I WILL BE 17

**green boy:** still a child

**BIG MAN:** I AM NOT

**green boy:** can you drink?

**BIG MAN:** no?

neither can you idiot

**green boy:** legally

i pass for 21 though

**BIG MAN:** DREAM??

how does vodka taste?

**green boy:** it burns

2/10

**BIG MAN:** wine?

**green boy:** white or red?

* * *

  
  


_ private message between Dadza, god?, and mr.sandman _

_ 3:05 AM _ _  
  
_

**mr.sandman:** GUYS WAKE UP NOW 

EMERGENCY

**Dadza:** are you okay?

what happeed

**mr.sandman:** whats tommorow

**Dadza:** april 9th?

**mr.sandman:** which is??

**Dadza:** a day?

**mr.sandman:** and a certain son’s birthday

**Dadza:** shit

**god?:** This would be funny if not a little sad.

**mr.sandman:** shut up techno

im a horrible brother

what are we going to do

**Dadza:** your not horrible wilbur

you just forgot

**mr.sandman:** he never forgets mine

**Dadza:** we still have time dont worry

tubbo can get him out of the house

wilbur you go get decorations while techno gets the cake

ill go get presents and it should be good

**god?:** Okay.

**mr.sandman:** got it

**Dadza:** all good then

see wilbur?

* * *

**Mentally Stable:**

5:03 AM

**theamericanway:** there is a fucking bear outside my window

and also tommy if you want good alcohol try a jack daniel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i could mash up a lot of these chapters in one but i like watching the chapter number go up 
> 
> kind of doing the bear minimum at the moment but its sortof good koalaity.


	11. oh lookie here, another short chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> brian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one day i will rip off the mask that is anon and reveal myself to the world
> 
> or maybe not

_private chat between BIG MAN and Big T_

3:24 AM

**BIG MAN:** they forgot

**Big T:** again?

**BIG MAN:** yeah

its fine though

ill just

play minecraft yknow?

**Big T:** why dont you come over to my house

we can make a cake otgether!

**BIG MAN:** clingy bitch

**Big T:** and what about it

**BIG MAN:** LMAO

fine

thank you tubbo

**Big T:** :D

**BIG MAN:** i take that back

**Big T:** :(

**BIG MAN:** stop that

**Big T:** D:

**BIG MAN:** fine fine

im sorry tubbo

**Big T:** :D 

i know you are

you wanna play minecraft?

Tommy stared at the message before smiling.

**BIG MAN:** sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more somewhat relevant plot


	12. gen alpha

**Mentally Stable**

_4:32 AM_

**arson:** gen alpha is in 5th grade

**theamericanway:** thats disgusting

**chicken wings:** what the absolute duck

fuck*

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** duck

**mr.sandman** : duck

**green boy:** duck

**muffins** : guys thats enough

hes probably so ducking embarrassed right now

**chicken wings:** BAD???

**green boy:** JFLHSLHLFH  
  
  


**chicken wings:** ducks go meow

WAIT

NO

I MEANT QUACK

I MEAN DUCKS GO QUACK

**god?** : What kind of ducks are you seeing?

**chicken wings:** please someone get me a proper education

**theamericanway** : in america?

good luck with that

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** dont insult my country like that!! :angry face:

**chicken wings:** we only have two rules in america

no cursing, hate democrats

**arson:** words of wisdom

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** im convinced

**BIG MAN:** no cursing????

i hate america already

**green boy:** i now identify as a republican :flag: :eagle:

the amount of time it took me to find the flag

**mr.sandman:** god bless america

those liberals amiright??

guys?

**theamericanway:** there the british go again

ruining everything


	13. dear god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got married pog?

**Mentally Stable**

_11:16 AM_

**sweetandscary:** happy birthday tommy!!

**muffins** : happy birthday you muffinhead!

skeppys phone died but he says happy birthday too

**chicken wings** : HAPPY BIRTHDAY MASSIVE T

**arson** : happy bday 

**theamericanway** : happy birthday tommy

_sleepingbeauty is online_

**sleeping beauty** : happy birthday 

_sleeping beauty is offline_

**green blob:** happy birthday tommy!

**BIGMAN** : THANK YOU LADS IM AN EVEN BIGGER MAN

_BIGMAN changed their name to_ _BIGGERMAN_

**theamericanway** : lads?

hes so british jesus christ

**green blob** : ill let you have this one

only because its your birthday

**BIGGERMAN** : FUCK YEAH

**muffins** : ...

fine 

**BIGGERMAN** : WHOOOO

_private convo between BIGMAN and Big T_

_11:29 AM_

**Big T:** are we still on for today?

**BIGMAN:** yeah

**Big T:** pog!!!

_private convo with Dadza, mr.sandman, god?_

_3:34 PM_

**Dadza** : Wheres Tommy?

**mr.sandman** : he went to tubbos house

**Dadza** : What are we supposed to do with all of the stuff we bought then?

**god?:** Just make him come home?

**mr.sandman** : are we sure we want to make him come home

i mean think about it he probably told tubbo that i forgot his birthday which means everyone else did

and tubbo being tubbo would’ve probably invited him over

**Dadza** : So i wasted all that money and hes not even going to come home?

_Dadza has gone offline_

**mr.sandman** : ...

**Mentally Stable:**

_4:32 PM_

**green boy** : guys i got a pet

**sweetandscary** : awww what kind?

**green boy** : goose

**sweetandscary** : wh-

**chicken wings** : why would you get a goose

those things are evil

**theamericanw** **ay** : i think theyre cool

**arson** : schlatt you only like geese because you watched one attack wilbur

**theamericanway** : he had it coming

* * *

“TUBBO COME ANY CLOSER TO ME WITH THAT AND ILL SCREAM”

Tubbo let out a maniacal laugh before chasing Tommy with a batter coated spoon. The teens ran around the the kitchen, screams and laughter filled the kitchen. Tommy turned around when a gasp came from behind him. Tubbo sat curled up on the floor, clutching his side.

“Tubbo! Oh shit i-“ Tommy ran to Tubbo and crouched down next to him, “what happened?”

“i-, i-,” he took out the spoon and swiped it across Tommys worried face, “i think your an idiot.”

“Tubbo i swear to gods i will murder you.” 

Tubbo fake pouted before handing Tommy a napkin which he used to wipe is now batter covered face. 

The timer dinged, the boys sped toward the oven.

“I’m taking it out,” Tubbo announced putting on oven mitts.

“Wait why you?”

“knowing you, youll try to grab it without mitts.” they grabbed the cake and set it in the table.

“touche.”

When the cake cooled they took out the frosting they had bought while skipping english. In their defense the teacher was always so rude to Tubbo. 

Tubbo stuck a big ‘17’ candle on the cake. 

“wait when did you buy that?” Tommy asked.

“last week.” they said, lighting the candles up, “now make a wish big man.”

“okay okay,” tommy muttered under his breath. _i wish i will remember everyones birthday_ he thought, blowing the candles out.

Tubbo ran behind and hugged Tommy.

“happy birthday,” tubbos voice was muffled from behind tommys shoulder.

A smile broke out on Tommys face, “thanks big t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might be getting braces  
> not very excited
> 
> bigger man -> biggerman -> big german
> 
> tommy is german confirmed???


	14. adults are bitches and that is a fact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AYOOOOOOOO
> 
> very short whoops
> 
> a bit rushed but im v tired so here u go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a math test but if i simply dont perceive it, it doesnt exist <3

Mentally Stable 

4:32 AM

**sleep more like mosdter energy drink:** sometimes i crave the the sweet feeling of nothingness

**sleeping beauty:** welcome to my life

**mr.sandman:** ok uh therapy

**theamericanway** : you cant talk wilbur

**mr.sandman** : you really wanna talk?

**chicken wings:** ooooh

**theamericanway** : dont start quackity

**green boy** : the irony of the gc name rn

_BIGMAN and Big T are online_

**BIGMAN** : EYYYYY

**Big T:** EYYYYYYY

**BIGMAN** : TUBBO

**Big T:** TOMMY

**god?:** Do you guys have to do this every time?

**Big T:** yes

**BIGMAN** : yes

**god**?: k

**green boy** : nope not happening

**BIGMAN** : what

**green boy:** you guys are still children go to sleep

**Big T** : we arent children :(

**BIGMAN:** tubbo you-

watch

WE ARENT CHILDREN 

WE ARE BIG MEN

MASSIVE

**mr.sandman** : i agree with dream

ew i hate that i just said that

but you guys need to sleep

**BIGMAN** : WERE 17??!?!?

ALMOST ADULTS???

**god**?: Key word: almost.

**BIGMAN** : YOU GUYS DID THE SAME EXACT THING WHEN YOU WERE 16????

**mr.sandman** : yeah

**BIGMAN** : ???????

**Big T:** tommy

2.9.20.3.8??

**BIGMAN** : gotchu

_BIGMAN and Big T has gone offline_

**green boy:** what the fuck was that

* * *

(JUST AN FYI THIS IS ALL PLATONIC PLEASE KEEP IT THAT WAY THANK YOU)

Tommy carefully swung a leg over the window sill, pausing in case someone decided to check in. Techno and Wilbur wouldnt snitch on him, and if they did well. He's got years worth of blackmail stored up with the help of Tubbo. It was at times like these where Tommy was glad he chose a room with a roof window. He shimmied down the roof toward one of the lower ends then leaped off. Landing on her hands and feet, Tommy allowed himself a proud grin before dusting off his pants. 

A sound from his room made him turn around to see Wilbur looking wide eyed at him. In a way only the great Tommyinnit could, he flipped his brother off before dashing down the street. His phone buzzed nonstop in his pocket, most likely Wilbur yelling at him. Tommy would deal with that later. After checking to make sure no one followed him, Tommy turned into the surrounding forest, down a familiar path. 

With a flashlight in hand, he headed towards the hangout spot he and tubbo met at. After artfully dodging twigs blocking the way, Tommy grinned when he saw a faint glow come from the little room they made out of branches and mud. (think that one spot in Anne with an E where her and Diane and this other girl i forgot the name of met up to act out stuff)

Tommy ducked into the room where Tubbo sat curled up in the corner, blanket and cards in hand. The boy hadnt noticed Tommy coming in, something Tommy took advantage of.

"Boo!" Tubbo shrieked, flinging the cards across the room. His head whipped around to find Tommy wheezing on the floor. 

"Tommy i swear," he tackled Tommy, making him laugh even harder. Revenge on his mind, Tubbo wiggled his fingers on Tommys sides, making him wheeze out.

"no! tubbo im," Tommy was cut off my another round of laughter. Eventually, Tubbo stopped when the other boy turned a worrying shade of red, instead turning his attention to the uno cards. 

"Gods you do not mess around," Tommy muttered under his breath, Tubbo looked up from his shuffling to wink at him, "prick" he added on for good measure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD I CLICKED CANCEL ON IT AND I TYPED EVERYTHING OUT AND OH GOD
> 
> good thing i have a back button


	15. when children become men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> very short whoops just had to finish up last chapter
> 
> also 360 kudos???? what the heck??? thank you?!?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOOOO
> 
> feeling impulsive might take this off anon

Mentally Stable

4:57

**mr.sandman** : DREAM

**green boy:** what

**mr.sandman** : check tubbos room now

**green boy** : why

**mr.sandman** : just do it

**green boy** : fine

hes not there

where the hell is tubbo

**mr.sandman** : probably with tommy

since i spotted him jumping off the roof and down the streets

**theamericanway** : finally sneaking out?

**mr.sandman:** by the fucking looks of it this happens regulary

**green boy** : its 5 in the morning where the hell are they

**mr.sandman** : beats me 

tommy wont answer my calls or texts

**god**?: Tommy snuck out?

**mr.sandman** : of course not

**god**?: Uh.

**mr.sandman** : what do you think??

**green blob:** ill spam tubbo brb

_BIGMAN and Big T are online_

**Big T:** no need big man

**BIGMAN** : why is he big man 

im big man

**Big T:** your massive man dont worry <3

**BIGMAN** : <3

**mr.sandman:** tommy where the hell are you

**BIGMAN** : not telling

**green blob** : tubbo.

**Big T** : no :D

**mr.sandman:** ill tell Dad

**BIGMAN** : ill tell Phil what you did last week

**Big T** same goes for you drem

**mr.sandman** : how do you even know about that???

**BIGMAN** and Big T has gone offline

**mr.sandman** : TOMMY GET BACK HERE

YOU STILL HAVENT TOLD ME WHERE YOU WENT  
TOMMY

**green blob:** tubbo you too

**arson** : i dont think they are coming back

**mr.sandman** : i hate children

**chicken wings:** im so proud of my hijos

**theamericanway:** they grow up so fast


	16. incorrect quotes pt.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OK GUYS HELP SHOULD I FINISH SPEEDRUN RANBOO CONFRONTATION WITH THE BIG THREE OR DO THAT LATER OR CONTINUE WITH DADZA BEING MORE PHILZA OR SHOULD I CONTINUE WITH RANBOO FAINTING OR DEAL WITH HIS SHITTY HABITS LATER OR SHOULD I JUST DO RANDOM CHAPTERS OF ANGST AND FORGET ABOUT ALL HOPES OF A PLOT AND TIMELINE?

**Techno:** I may be antisocial and unattractive...

**Dadza:** ...But?

**Techno:** That's all.

_____

**Dream:** You're violent.

**Tubbo:** Yeah, but I'm short so it's adorable.

______

**George** : I can't believe we're stuck in this room together.

**Dream,** swallowing the key: Truly unfortunate.

______

**Techno:** I averted a murder today.

**Dadza:** Really? That's amazing! How'd you manage that?

**Techno:** Self control.

_______

**Dream:** It was for love.

**George:** Cool motive, still murder.

_______

**Karl:** Hey, you wanna know who is beautiful? Read the first word again.

**Sapnap:** Wait-

**Sapnap:** Who the hell is 'Hey'???

_______

**Ranboo:** What am I doing wrong?

**Eret:** Do you want me to answer as a friend or a therapist?

**Ranboo:** As a friend.

**Eret:** See a therapist

_______

**Dream:** Why must you always reject me with your words?

**George:** Should I use rocks then? Knifes?? A pitchfork???

_______

**Dream:** It's nice to be wanted, you know?

**Everyone:** Not by the law!

________

**Schlatt:** Are you SURE I can't punch them in the face?

**Wilbur:** Yes.

**Schlatt:** What if I just broke their nose a little bit?

**Wilbur:** No.

______

**Tommy:** I'm quick at math.

**Techno:** Okay, what's 29 x 63?

**Tommy:** 37.

**Techno:** What??? That's not even remotely close.

**Tommy:** But it was quick…

_______

**Techno:** You get hurt, hurt them back. You get killed? Walk it off.

_______

**Techno:** I've started seeing someone.

**WIlbur:** As in dating?

**Wilbur:** Or as in hallucinations?

_______

**Karl:** How tall are you?

**Quackity:** Height is a social construct.

**Karl:** So you're short?

_______

**Wilbur:** Dadza gave me a 'get better soon' card.

**Niki:** Aw, that's sweet.

**Wilbur:** I wasn't sick, they just thought that I could do better.

_______

**Quackity:** Can you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

**Karl:** *crouches down*

**Sapnap:** *gets on knees*

**Quackity:**

**Quackity:** I hope you both die.

______

**Tommy:** Am I in trouble?

**Dadza:** Have a guess.

**Tommy:** No?

**Dadza:** Have another guess.

______

**Sapnap:** What's your biggest fear?

**Dream:** Being forgotten.

**Sapnap:** Wow, that's deep.

**Sapnap:** Mine's the Kool-Aid Man but I feel kinda stupid about it now.

_______

**Tommy:** You need to react when people cry!

**Techno:** I did. I rolled my eyes.

_______

**Tommy:** Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts

**Wilbur:** so is baby oil-?

**Dadza:** Can't we just have a nice dinner for once?

_______

**Ranboo:** This is cool, but you know what would be cooler?

**Niki:** What?

**Ranboo:** Death.

**_______**

**Dadza:** Behave yourself or Santa’s going to castrate you for Christmas.

**Tommy:**

**_______**

**Skeppy:** I really want to kiss you.

**Bad:** What?

**Skeppy:** i SaiD iF yOu DiE i WouLdn'T mIsS yOu.

**_______**

**Bad:** Stop saying "I wish" and start saying "I will".

**Sapnap:** I will I wasn't broke.

_______

**Random stranger, internally:** I wonder what Dream is thinking about! They're so cool and mysterious!

**Dream, internally:** *speedrun music*

______

**Tubbo:** Jail's no fun, I'll tell you that.

**Schlatt:** You've been?

**Tubbo:** Once, in Monopoly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i listen to anchor by roland faunte one more time i will start crying but at the same time ITS SO GOOD
> 
> also just realized i never really clarified whose who   
> whoops


	17. whoa or woah more like whatta a hoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AYOOOOO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got braces and now i cant feel my mouth so heres a def not rushed chapter

**Mentally Stable**

_3:23 PM_

Big T: this is a horrible day lads

BIGMAN: LENNING IS A BITCH

green boy: ???

Big T: i got a 73 on my essay :(

green boy: wait what?

you read it to me it was a great essay??

Big T: yeah but mr. lenning took off points because of spelling

mr.sandman: your? dyslexic?? 

Big T: yeah

BIGMAN: HE READ THE WAY IY WAS SPELLED ZTO THE WHOLE CLASS TOO

god?: What is Mr. Lenning's room number?

Big T: uh 213 why?

god?: No reason.

* * *

"Ranboo?" Niki called rushing upstairs. She barged into the room to find the teen spread out on the floor, breathing light. Crouching down next to him, she braced herself before slapping them across the face. Ranboo shot up, on hand to his cheek, looking around frantically before focusing their eyes on Niki. 

"Did you slap me?!" 

"You passed out!" Niki defended herself, "I didn't know what to do!" 

"So you had to slap me?!"

Boisterous laughing came from behind them. They both whipped their heads around to find Eret bent over, clutching her stomach. He stood up straight to wipe a tear from their eye. 

Niki and Ranboo looked at each other, having a silent conversation with their eyes before shooting up and tackling Eret to the ground. 

“Ranboo get the pillows!” Niki ordered the teen, holding Eret in a headlock.

Ranboo finger gunned in confirmation, sprinting away to grab the couch pillows. Watching the them go out of sight, Niki leaned down to whisper in Erets ear,

“They haven't been eating or sleeping Eret. I’m worried.” Eret’s mouth pressed into a hard line before tilting his mouth toward her ear, “We’ll talk to them don’t worry.” 

They quickly abandoned the conversation when Ranboo came back, arms full of pillows. Niki grinned before grabbing on and smacking Eret with it. The two continued their assault on Eret before she hit the floor twice, “I yield!” 

Niki and Ranboo cackled before helping them up. 

“You two dont mess around,” he muttered, rubbing his arm. Niki went snuck behind him and rustled his hair, messing it up even more before getting smacked away. Niki met his eye, reminding them of their previous conversation.

“Are any of you doing anything today?” he asked. 

“Uh, I finished my homework so not really.” Ranboo said, shrugging.

“NIki?” 

“Nope.” she said popping her p. 

“Perfect, we are going to that new pizza place.” Ranboos head shot up, “Now?”

“Yes now.” Eret mimicked their surprised tone. 

“I have to change!” They called out behind them, already running up the stairs. 

“Don't take too long!” Eret sighed before trying to find the keys.

Soon, Ranboo hurried down the stairs now donning a hawaiian button up and jeans, “Okay now we can go.” 

The car ride to the restaurant was quiet except for small lighthearted quips about Ranboo’s outfits. Eret messily parked the car, his only excuse was “im bi, sue me”. Niki squinted through the windows, “It’s pretty busy.”

Eret shrugged walking towards the entrance, siblings in tow. A sharp tug on her hand directed his attention to a wide eyed Ranboo.

“Please tell me that isn’t Technoblade.”

“You have the worst luck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go me for actually remembering this
> 
> also the formatting on this is shit
> 
> ALSO this was really rushed but i promise ill actually go into more depth about ranboo being a fucking idiot


	18. what the hell is a “chapter title” thats so dumb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AYOOOO
> 
> FILLER CHAPTER BECAUSE EW PLOT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bolding stuff later if i feel like it
> 
> also lmanburg is essentially a playground literally no one goes to because its in middle of a forest and that forest is "haunted" its actually just wilbur and schlatt making creepy noises and pretending to be ghosts

**Mentally Stable**

_1:45 PM_

**god?:** I am a patient person. ****

I am the epitome of patience.

But if Tommy and Tubbo with his so called “cabinet” DO NOT SHUT UP ABOUT LMANBURG...

Big T: sorry mr.blade but we r having a meeting 

BIGMAN: TUBBOS TRYING TO FUCKING EXILE ME

Big t: WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDNT BURN GEORGES MUSHROOM HOUSE

BIGMAN: IT WAS A CARDBOARD BOX I THOUGHT IT WAS DREAMS HOUSE

green boy: im literally richer than all of you combined??

god?: Ok and?

green boy: i-

okay

oh and tubbo good job at being president 

Big T: thank you drem at least someone appreciates my hard word

BIGMAN: YOUR WORKING WITH DREAM???

THAT GREEN BITCH??

green boy: tommy stfu your exiled

BIGMAN: I-

TECHNOBLADE

god?: What?

BIGMAN: wanna team up 👉👈

god?: Fine.

but i'm destroying lmanburg.

They are interrupting my reading time and I need to finish Medea.

BIGMAN: WHAT??? 

NO??

god?: Really going to leave me like that in front of the whole gc?

BIGMAN: yeah

TUBBO

Big T: TOMMY

god?: You know what?

Dream.

green boy: here

god?: Destroy L'manburg together?

green boy: im down

BIGMAN: shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woke up today and felt like total shit  
> the things i do for straight teeth


	19. erets cool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ranboo my beloved
> 
> (edit: 460 kudos???? jesus christ thanks guys gals and non-binary pals)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it morally right to make someone fall in love with you then break their heart because they keep misgendering you and your friends? if not please ignore that

**if i could kill you i would**

**half n’ half:** eret i want to leave now

Eret’s phone buzzed in her pocket, spotting Ranboo frantically type into their phone, he pulled out his phone as well.

birate: ??? why

half n’ half: i might have done some slightly mean things to some certain individuals in that crowd

birate: you? doing something mean?

half n’ half: look up

He looked up to see Techno, Dream, and Schlatt subtly staring at Ranboo (and failing)

birate: Ranboo what the fuck did you do

half n’ half: okay

hear me out

birate: okay

half n’ half: well

to be fair

they deserved it

birate: LMAO

okay yeah but what did they do???

half n’ half: they kept staring at me all throughout school and following me and it made me anxious so i pulled a few harmless pranks on them

birate: iconic

they did deserve it

say

do you have any videos perhaps?

half n’ half: you know it

birate: i think i know what we’ll be watching for movie night

now get off your phone and finish your slice

half n’ half: i hate you

birate: <33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ꖌᔑᒲ ʖ⚍ℸ ̣ ╎ℸ ̣ ᓭ ꖌ╎ꖎꖎ ᔑꖎꖎ ᒲ╎ꖎꖎᒷリリ╎ᔑꖎᓭ
> 
> :)
> 
> alt fashion is layering 13 pieces of clothinf and calling it style


	20. GUYS PLEASE COME UP WITH CHAPTER TITLES I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> do yall want irl confrontation or do it over text (ranboo getting added to the gc)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> notice anything different about author name? :)
> 
> also how did this go from millennials to dnf? please enlighten me i honestly have no idea

**Mentally Stable**

_3:57 PM_

**arson:** i hate millennials with a burning passion

**theamericanway:** what the fuck did they even do to you?

**sleeping beauty:** sapnap this happens every week

**arson:** WHY ARE THEY SO OBSESSED WITH SKINNNY JEANS AND MIDDLE PARTS??

NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU OR SAYING ANYTHING  
JESUS CHRIST

**god?:** Agreed ^^

**mr.sandman:** techno why are you agreeing with him

**god?:** One called me a, and i quote, "uwu soft pink boi"

**green boy:** LAHLKFHLKHFDLKH

**mr.sandman:** LMAOOOOOO

**arson:** even more reason to hate them

**chicken wings:** you are never living that down techno

**god?:** Quackity.

**chicken wings:** im sorry technoblade sir forgive me

**theamericanway:** kinky ^^

**green boy:** JALJFLDJLFJLJF

**mr.sandman:** with the amount of keyboard smashed dream does you wouldve thought hes a bottom

**green boy:** wilbur i swear to god

**sleeping beauty:** he is

_sleeping beauty is offline_

**green boy:** GEORGE 

GET BACK HERE  
TAKE THAT BACK  
IM NOT A BOTTOM  
GEORGE  
GEORGE ISTG  
  


**god?:** Dream, you're embarrassing yourself.

**green boy:** fuck you

**god?:** Cheating on George just like that?

**mr.sandman:** LMAOOOOO

**chicken wings:** GEORGE COME GET YOUR MAN

**green boy:** i hate it here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ∴⍑ᔑℸ ̣ ᓭ ||𝙹⚍∷ ⎓ᔑ⍊𝙹∷╎ℸ ̣ ᒷ ʖᔑリ↸ᓭ/ᓭ╎リ⊣ᒷ∷? ╎ !¡ᒷ∷ᓭ𝙹リᔑꖎꖎ|| ᒷリ⋮𝙹|| ᔑ⋮⋮ ᔑリ↸ ℸ ̣ ⍑ᒷ 𝙹∷╎𝙹リ ᒷ ̇/!¡ᒷ∷╎ᒷリᓵᒷ
> 
> might not update tmmr a friend is coming over


	21. not a chapter just comment random things ill put as chapter names

literally anything. 

you can comment one word and id use it as a title

(edit: i dont think ill ever have to think of a chapter name ever again


	22. if ur not a little gay for ur homies r u even homies??

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title courtesy of princet_ro
> 
> this is literally just a chapter for a movie

**Mentally Stable**

_3:43 AM_

**BIGMAN:** tubbo make sure you bring the uno cards

**mr.sandman:** wdym bring

tommy where are you

**BIGMAN:** wouldnt you like to know bitch boy

**Big T:** i remembered this time 

dont you trust me :(

**BIGMAN:** no

**green boy:** harsh

**mr.sandman:** DID YOU JUST JUMP OFF THE ROOF??

**BIGMAN:** gotta get out somehow

**green boy:** how does your dad not wake up

**mr.sandman:** pretty sure he does

he just doesnt care

**green boy:** oh

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** yo does anyone want to watch the hunchback of notre dame with me?

**arson:** yes

**chicken wings:** yes

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** cuddle? 

**arson:** ofc babe

**theamericanway:** gay

**chicken wings:** ok and?

remember me and you last year 

_theamericanway is offline_

**arson:** LMAOOOO

**mr.sandman:** do you have the link to the movie

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** https://docs.google.com/file/d/0BwymSlqXtgLJdmZ3Q0pOOTZmYk0/view

**mr.sandman:** thank you king

**god?:** Down with capitalism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha i havent done any of my work because my parents wouldnt let me go upstairs and made me do work in the living room which has wait for it, distractions wow! my adhd really said haha no and i have an essay due in 30 minutes
> 
> procrastination kicking in
> 
> (edit: made it just in time i am a legend)
> 
> also the link works if you wanna watch


	23. im sexy enough to get away with mass crimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> princet_ro once again giving me ideas because i dont have the brain capacity to do it myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this weekend will just be me speedrunning 20 chapters then posting them either spread out or all at once depending how bored i am

** Mentally Stable **

_ 2:35 AM _

green boy : SAPNAP

WHY THE FUCK IS THE SCHOOL ON FIRE

arson : WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME??

green boy : YOUR THE ONLY ONE STUPID ENOUGH TO DO IT

arson : OK WELL

ITLL BE FINE

green boy: YOUR GONNA GO TO PRISON YOU DUMBASS

arson : IM SEXY ENOUGH TO GET AWAY WITH MASS CRIMES

sleep more like monster energy drink: hes not wrong

chicken wings:  ^^^^^

green boy: THATS NOT???

mr.sandman : thank you sapnap

i almost had to do a biology test

arson : np i was bored anyway

green boy: SO YOU DID DO IT

arson : ITS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL

green boy: sapnap

our school is 5 stories and has been here since 1534.

fucking abraam lincoln when to our school

and how are the “patriots” going to act when they find out that it was burnt down

arson : uh

green boy : they will not rest til they find you

god? : No worries, I made it look like a simple gas pipe explosion that ignited in the chemistry lab. 

arson : WHOOOO

sleep more like monster energy drink:  TECHNOBLADE COMING IN CLUTCH

green boy: i fucking hate it here

arson : <33

theamericanway : what the fuck just

oh nvm scrolled up

nice job nick

arson : what the fuck did you just call me

green boy: we dont use that name around here schlatt

theamericanway : what does that even mean

green boy: we dont use that name around here schlatt

theamericanway : i-

okay

Big T : sapnap :(

i was about to do my presentation on bees

arson : shit im so sorry tubbo

green boy : why dont you give us the presentation 

EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES TO THE SMP

7+ users are online

muffins : language and okay

ill bring skeppy

mr.sandman : why is skeppy like a dog at this point

chicken wings: LMAOOOO

theamericanway : kinky shit

green boy : for someone homophobic schlatt only knows how to make everything gay

sleep more like monster energy drink: true any truers in the chat??

arson : im a truer and im in the chat

sleep more like monster energy drink: why are you so hot

BIGMAN : PKEASE NOT AGAIN

arson : ...

fine

green boy: everyone be here in 5 minutes

tubbo take as long as you need

Big T: i-

okay!

sleeping beauty:  the favoritism is so obvious it hurts

green boy : who said i was trying to hide it

mr.sandman : i mean its tubbo he can do no wrong

BIGMAN : heres a list

shot dream in the foot

green boy: accident

BIGMAN : bullied a group of 2nd graders until they gave him their plushies

green boy : it was for charity those kids were being selfish

BIGMAN : brought spiders to school and put them in georges desk while he was sleeping

green boy: it was funny

BIGMAN : thats not a

anyways

“borrowed” money from a charity so he could buy animal crossing

green boy : animal crossing is very important 

BIGMAN : dragged the new kid to go see his bees even after they said they were allergic

sweetandscary : so thats why they came home puffy

green boy: bees are important 

save the bees

Big T : i agree! :)

and i dont regret anything

theamericanway : why am i afraid of a 5’2 toddler who wears a dino hoodie

Big T : why wouldnt you be...

theamericanway : nvm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no one told me bold doesnt show up if you switch it from notes app to ao3
> 
> dont mind me gonna go scream
> 
> thank you for all of yall who commented ideas you all are absolute gods/goddesses/ divines


	24. pumpernickel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ayooo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realized i changed sapnaps name halfway through

whoops forgot to do a little key for everyones names

_MENTALLY STABLE_

**green boy:** dream

 **sleeping beauty:** george

 **arson:** sapnap

 **god?:** techno

 **chicken wings:** quackity

 **sleep more like monster energy drink:** karl

 **BIGMAN:** tommy

 **Big T:** tubbo

 **mr.sandman:** wilbur

 **theamericanway:** schlatt

 **sweetandscary:** niki

 **muffins:** bad

(forgot skeppys name but lets pretend its skippy)

_if i could kill you i would_

**gordon ramsey but female:** niki

 **birate:** eret

 **half n' half:** ranboo


	25. bees man, thye gonna take over the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yo yo yo
> 
> very short chapter because i have an essay due at 12 and i havent started because sensory overload went brrr for most of the day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> started playing the cello pog

'Is everyone ready?" Tubbo clasped his hands together. It was an odd sight to see; a group of teens of varying ages, all gathered in a semi circle around a hastily made projector screen at midnight. Shouts of approval came from the crowd. 

"Wonderful," the screen turned on to showcase a powerpoint titled, 'Bees: the next apex predator.', "As you can see here, today i will explain to you why those buzzy bees are actually your next master."

"Tubbo wh-" Tommy started before getting shut down by a glare from Tubbo. "Jeez nevermind."

Tubbo grinned before turning back to his presentation. "So many people are taken aback when they hear this, but i assure you this is far from fiction. Bees are highly responsible for our food, our crops. Without them, we would perish! These striped insects can utilize this to their advantage and get humans to do their bidding. Under the influence of these masterminds, we would be knocked down from our spot on the food chain and bees would over take us!" Clapping his hands, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd. "Any questions?"

Quickly said no's filled the air, except from one stupid boy. "Big T that is so stupid what the fuck."

A wince came from Dream as Tubbo slowly met Tommy's eyes. 

"What did you just say." His voice was eerily emotionless.

"I-" Tommy gulped feeling less brave then before, quickly sped through his sentence. "I said that was stupid?"

Everyone held their breath as Tubbo started giggling before devolving in cackles. "Stupid he says!," he grandly gestures in to the air before whipping around to face Tommy. Tubbo snapped back into his emotionless state, stepping closer and closer to Tommy. Wilbur, who was sitting near by, patted his shoulder before dashing off into the forest, Sam Quackity following. The remaining made their way to the other side of the playground, watching and waiting to see how it turns out. 

Dream felt his shoulder being tapped and turned around to see Schlatt wearing his business man smile. "20 bucks Tubbo tackles him to the floor until says sorry?"

He scoffed, "No way, 20 he chases Tommy around for hours." 

"Bet?"

"Bet."

Dream turned around to find Tubbo stalking towards Tommy.

"Look Tubbo my man, im just saying my opinion yknow?" 

"Your opinion is wrong."

"Thats not-" Tommy let out a scream as Tubbo barreled into him, throwing him towards the ground. Everyone watched in amusement, thinly veiled horror underneath, as Tubbo expertly pinned Tommys hands over his head. 

"Now im going to give you 3 chances to say sorry, or." he paused for dramatics, a lesson from schlatt," im going to burn your copies of narnia."

Dream almost started laughing at the sorry excuse for a threat before seeing the look of horror on Tommy's face

"I'm sorry! Dont you dare burn those books I swear on the gods Tubbo if you do-" His arms were let go as Tubbo smiled triumphantly, "I hate you so much."

"Feeling is mutual big man." Tubbo said before going to stand next to Schlatt, "was that good?"

The ram hybrid grinned, "you did amazing tubbs." he turned to Dream, "20?"

Dream groaned before fishing out a crumpled 20 and slapping in in Schlatts hand, "you suck."

"That's gay."

"It was meant to be." 

* * *

**Mentally Stable**

_4:32_

**BIGMAN:** remind me to never piss off tubbo again

**green boy** : that was hillarious

**BIGMAN:** IT WAS FUCKING TRAUMATIZING

**muffins:** language!

and dream be nice

**green boy:** BUT IT WAS FUNNY

**muffins:** yeah i agree but you have to say it straight to his face

oops

**BIGMAN:** BAD???

I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE  
  


**muffins:** uh

my muffins are done baking gotta go take them out of the oven

bye! :D

_muffins has gone offline_

**green boy:** ALJDLKSJLKDJ

**BIGMAN:** i hate everyone here

_Big T is online_

**BIGMAN:** except tubbo

_Big T has gone offline_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> adhd brain really went "go on play a new instrument" as my acoustic and electric guitar, ukulele, viola, piano, kazoo, trumpet, and french horn look at me mournfully from the corner of my room
> 
> today i became homophobic when my flag dropped down on my head in middle of a zoom meeting.


	26. are they getting married in the middle of gym class without permission?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> banana634 coming into clutch with the chapter names/ideas
> 
> how the hell did i switch subjects so quickly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> currently learning Chaconne in G minor on the violin and WHY IS VIOLIN SO HARD
> 
> also dangg sorry guys this au's philza is homophobic and a bit transphobic
> 
> also karl is ftm in the universe so please if i get anything wrong in the future call me out for it please and thank you
> 
> also techno is afab and goes by he/they/xe because mulitple pronouns pog!
> 
> also someone please let me know if schlatt and wilbur are uncomfy being shipped (i dont ship them or their characters but for sakes of plot) and if they are, is it okay to have a past relationship with not specified people??  
> also another note tell me if im breaking any ccs boundaries please and thank you
> 
> also techno and karl friendship pog??
> 
> OKAY LAST ALSO  
> should i remove the trans ranboo and techno tag bc their nonbinary and i read that some people dont like being referred to as trans and its not the right label?? send help
> 
> OKAY WAIT LAST ONE 
> 
> **********************************  
> TW: transphobia, homophobia
> 
> lmk if theres anymore
> 
> **********************************

**Mentally Stable**

_1:54 PM_

**green blob:** has anyone seen sapnap or karl?

**theamericanway:** nope

havent seen quackity either

**green boy:** arent they in our gym class?

**theamericanway:** maybe??

**green boy:** you are absolutely no help

**mr.sandman:** im with them

**green boy:** and you chose to wait til now to answer??

**mr.sandman:** yeah

**green boy:** i-

what are they doing the whole class is looking for them

**mr.sandman:** im getting them married

**Big T:** without permission??

**mr.sandman:** tubbo who would they even need to get permission from?

**Big T:** god

**green boy:** you cant just ask god for permission to marry tubs

**Big T:** yes you can

watch

_Big T has added Philza Minecraft to Mentally Stable_

**mr.sandman:** wh-

**green boy:** tubbo i-

**Big T:** mr. minecraft can quackity, sapnap, and karl marry each other?

**Philza Minecraft:** I mean?

as friends?

**Big T:** no

**Philza Minecraft:** It's their choice but I'm betting they'll grow out of this boy loving faze. 

Karl and one of the boys can get married if they want but Sapnap and Alexis eh..

Have to go Tubbo, work calls.

_Philza Minecraft left Mentally Stable_

**Big T:** yknow what im demoting god

**green boy:** thats your dad wilbur?

**mr.sandman:** define dad?

i would call him...

money provider

**green boy:** im sorry about him

**mr.sandman:** its fine

im used to it

**Big T:** why is he okay with karl being married to one of his boyfriends but not sapnap and quackity

_arson, monster energy drink more like sleep, and chicken wings are online_

**chicken wings:** JUST GOT MARRIED  
  


**arson:** LEGALLY THIS TIME

wait scrolling up one sec

what the fuck

**Big T:** im sorry guys i didnt know he would be like that

you guys are awesome tohgter <33

**chicken wings:** dont worry about it turbo

dudes a douche

sorry wilbur

**mr.sandman:** no need to apologize i agree 

**arson:** karl?

you okay

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** yeah 

sorry i have to go 

and tubbo its not youre fault that he's a honking homophobe

**arson:** wait karl

**sleep more like monster energy drink:**??

**arson:** me you and quackity movie night?

**sleep more like monster energy drink:**...

okay

**chicken wings:** HONEYMOON

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** can we can watch cars 3??

**chicken wings:** ofc babe <3

_arson, chicken wings, sleep more like monster energy drink are offline_

_god? is online_

**god?:** Did Phil just imply what I think he did?

**mr.sandman:** unfortunatly

**god?:**...

_sleep more like monster energy drink is online_

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** please dont kill anyone on my behalf techno please and thank you monarch

**god?:** Are you sure?

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** positive <33

**god?:** Okay, fine.

But one more comment and I'm not holding back: father status be damned. 

**sleep more like monster energy drink:** wouldnt expect any less from you <3

**god?:** <3

_sleep more like monster energy drink has gone offline_

**green boy:** when did??

**mr.sandman:** karl and techno become friends?

**green boy:** ye

**god?:** Us queers got to stick together.

_birate has added birate to Mentally Stable_

**birate:** BE QUEER DO CRIME

and Techno dont forget our MUQ meeting tmmr

**god?:** Agreed.

And I never forgot Eret.

**birate:** mhm

_birate has left Mentally Stable_

**mr.sandman:** it always astounds me how Phil has never found out you nonbinary yet

**god?:** I know right? My name is literally Technoblade.

bruhh

_BIGMAN is online_

**BIGMAN:** TECHNO THE RACOONS ARE CHASING ME AGAIN HELP

**god?:** No.

**BIGMAN:** BITCHBOY AHSIUHAHFSKL

**Big T:** R.I.P Tommy

anyways

**theamericanway:** Tubbo get into the car

**Big T:** okay!

**green boy:** tubbo you dont-

schlatt where are you taking him

**theamericanway:** knife throwing

bad agreed to teach him and i need my son to know how to defend himself

**mr.sandman:** did you just call tubbo your son?

**theamericanway:** yes and?

**green boy:** dadschlatts canon

**Big T:** knife pog! :D

wait son

wait guys what

somone answer

did i just get adopted

without me knwoig

what 

sguys

where is everyone

I SEE YOUR ONLINE

GUYS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> opinions on private bookmarks? i never really thought much about it but then i saw some authors saying how they hate when people pb their works as if they are ashamed of it and now i really feel bad about by 400+ private bookmarks. 
> 
> who can guess what MUQ stands for?
> 
> ill let whoever guesses first choose someones name or a prompt or something  
> 


	27. duck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ayoo heres some anteater hate as requested with a side of au!philza bashing
> 
> a bit rushed partly because i havent started school yet (online) and its 6:28 pm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been listening to achilles come down for the past 15 hours 
> 
> former gifted kid pog
> 
> also heres a little list of characters and their gender identity/sexuality/pronouns/etc  
> and please correct me if i write something wrong or misrepresent something because most of this coming from google 
> 
> looking at this there isnt a lot of cis or het character but to be fair
> 
> i wanted representation for stuff that usually doesnt get shown a lot
> 
> dream-  
> he/him  
> f -> demiboy  
> bi
> 
> george-  
> he/him  
> gay
> 
> arson-  
> he/him  
> bi
> 
> karl-  
> he/him  
> ftm  
> graysexual king
> 
> quackity-  
> he/him  
> bi 
> 
> schlatt  
> he/him  
> doesnt use a label, "wilbur, i fuck who i think is hot. it's that simple"
> 
> bad-  
> he/him  
> pan
> 
> skeppy-  
> he/him  
> gay
> 
> techno-  
> he/they  
> afab  
> gives me strong asexual vibes
> 
> wilbur  
> he/they  
> (amab but only schlatt knows bc theyre too scared his sibling wont accept them even tho techno literally is non-binary too.)
> 
> tommy-  
> he/they  
> (ftm but only tubbo knows)  
> straight
> 
> tubbo  
> he/they  
> afab (dream and tommy know)  
> straight
> 
> fundy-  
> he/him  
> ftm  
> straight
> 
> eret  
> he/she/they  
> genderfluid  
> bi
> 
> niki  
> she/her  
> bi
> 
> ranboo-  
> they/them  
> afab  
> has no idea so he just vibes with the label queer  
> mentally ill
> 
> and coming to you soon:
> 
> jack manifold-  
> he/him  
> questioning

**Mentally Stable**  


_4:45 PM_  


_  
_

**green boy:** oh shit

  


**muffins:** language and whats wrong?

  


**green boy:** we were at the zoo

and wilbur decided to look around

  


**muffins:** did anything bad happen?!?

  


**green boy:** yes.

he found the anteaters

  


**god?:** Did he try to attack them again?

  


**green boy:** i had to fucking hold him back from jumping them

wait did you say again?!?!?

  


**god?:** It's expected of him by now.

  


**green boy:** wh-

okay

guys we have two minutes before wilbur comes in everyone knows the procedure?

  


**Big T:** never disagree  


  


**BIGMAN:** never argue back  


  


**arson:** no trying to get him to stop  


  


**sleep more like monster energy drink:** be ready to run if things go south   


  


**chicken wings:** agree with everything he says  


  


**theamericanway:** never tell him hes overreacting

  


**green boy:** techno?  


  


**god?:** No making fun of him.  


  


**green boy:** good

SHOWTIME

  


_mr.sandman is online_  


  


_mr.sandman has changed mr.sandman's name to anteater hater_  


_  
_

_  
_

**anteater hater:** IM GOING TO KILL GOD 

YOU DESIGN FUCKING HUMANS AND THOSE CUTE LITTLE KITTIES BUT YOU HAD TO ADD IN ANTEATERS  
THE WORLD WOULDVE BEEN FINE WITHOUT THEM  
AND THEIR NAME  
HUH TAKE A WILD GUESS WHAT THEY EAT

 **sleep more like monster energy drink:** uh

  


**anteater hater:** ITS ANTS HOW SURPRISING 

HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL   
  


**Big T** **:** yeah screw them!  


  


**anteater hater:** thank you tubbo  


  


**god?:** i hate to interrupt but phils asking to be added to the gc real fast  


  


**green boy:** what why  


  


**anteater hater:** ^^^  


  


**god?:** idk  


is everyone okay with that?

  


**sleep more like monster energy drink:** im more concerned for him if he starts running his mouth again  


  


**god?:** itll be his fault  


  


**sleep more like monster energy drink:** fair  


  


_god? added Philza Minecraft to that chat_

_  
_

**Philza Minecraft:** thank you techno  


took you long enough 

  


**god?:** Whoops.  


  


**Philza Minecraft:** anyway i wanted to say that the principal called me and asked for all of you to go to school tomorrow to talk about something called gsa?  


  


**green boy:** thank you for letting us know! we'll make sure to take care of it.  


  


**Philza Minecraft:** so well mannered  


wilbur and tommy could use a lesson from you lol

  


**green boy:** yeah haha  


  


_Philza Minecraft is offline_  


_Anteater hater is offline_

_  
_

_muffins has changed Philza Minecraft's name to ass-clown_

_  
_

**green boy:** bad i-

  


**god?:** I never thought this day would come.  


  


**BIGMAN:** ive always waited for this moment but now it doesnt feel real  


  


**chicken wings:** bad im so proud of you right now  


  


**skippy:** i loebif yo uso much  


  


**muffins:** aww thank you skeppy! <3

and that muffinhead deserved it

how can you be so full of hate all the time?

i swear if i see him in real life i'll-

oops

  


**sleep more like monster energy drink:** is bad popping off??  


  


**chicken wings:** yes he is, yes he is.  


  


**arson:** he's all grown up :-(

  


**muffins:** dont make me regret it  


  


**god?:** Almost forgot-  


  


_god? removed ass-clown from Mentally Stable_  


_  
_

_  
_

  


_  
_

_  
_

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made sigil paper today by making this kinda stain out of basil, mint, lemon balm, and a sprinkle of cinnamon that i crushed into a powder then added some water and oil into. the paper smells so good i-
> 
> oh and spoiler (maybe) i might make a chapter (probably will) where philza finds out tommys ftm and from there we will decide if he gets a redemption arc or we continue bashing on him 
> 
> also do you guys want a chapter where everyone comes out in the gc and they find out tommys ftm and wilbur feels hurt that tommy didnt trust them enough to come out but tommys like you did that too?? and technos just sitting there. hurt/comfort ??


End file.
